On 2020

2020.
A big year.

Meant for big changes.
The kind that takes you places.
After all, it was the start of a new decade.
Right?

Personally, I thought I’d have all my answers this year.
I’d named this year about knowing.

Yet here I am, at the close.
More questions than ever before.

Questioning it all.
From definitions [of productivity and strength].
To visions [of success and failure].
What does it look like – for me?

More questions.
The big one being,
What matters – to me.

What really matters to me?
One question. So many thoughts.

The answer, I’ve come to learn, is not [only] in the thinking.
But in the feeling.
The facing of it – this feeling.

2020 was about feelings.
The big ones.

Grief.
Anger.
Hurt.
Shame.
Guilt.
Disappointment.
Disgust.
Weak.
Anxious.
Afraid.
Vulnerable.
Brave.
Proud.
Loved.
Optimistic.
Grateful.

The biggest of them all – empathy.

2020 was about [leading with] empathy.
Towards each other.
Also myself.

What really matters to me.
Lies within myself.
And only compassion can get me there.

For without compassion, I would be am devoid.
Of my hopes, my dreams, my passions.
And all of my thoughts.
That I take pride in.
My cerebral ability.
To reason.
To make sense.

2020 didn’t make sense.
And I was forced to confront my own identity.
Which didn’t make much sense either.

Ahead was a void.
One I was quickly spiralling into.
Alone.

Everything I [thought I] knew was being attacked.
From the outside.
And the inside.

There were many moments I lay in the darkness of my own mind.
When the whole world was closing in.
One assault after another.
A brutal reckoning of our collective consciousness.
A brutal awakening for my role in it.

[I am responsible.]
[How?]

My mind was unsure.
The mind that is the source of my sense – of self.

How?
I had taken all the steps [that I knew].

That’s when it struck me.
I could do it all again.
Revisit the steps.

This time, I turned to my heart.
Took the pressure [off of my mind].

Let the feelings take over.
One by one.

And that’s when it happened.
I learned a new language – of energy.
Of the Universe.
Outside and inside.

I started paying attention to it – this energy.
Where it came from.
Where it went.
Where it got drained.
Where it was sucked [out].

How it felt – all of it.
And this made me [feel] braver.

I had to trust the feeling.
Of it all – my body, mind, and soul.

Feel whatever was going on in my mind.
Let my thoughts go beyond this feeling.

Lean into that vulnerability.
Leading with my empathy.

Let it lead me.
To finding myself.
And what matters to me.
Really.

So I can give meaning to it – my life.
So I can find purpose – beyond myself.
So I can create more connection from this shared feeling – of empathy.
So I can talk about it all – write about the real stuff.
Everything that goes on.In-between the feeling and the thinking.

Write myself into existence.
Again.

Lead with my emotions.
Have the courage of conviction.
Be myself.
Show my self.

Whole and healing.

That is scary.
That is big.
A big change.
Made up of many tiny steps.
And lessons.

The lessons meant for us will keep repeating.
Until we learn.
Not to numb ourselves.
Not to hide.
Or suppress.
But feel.
Think.
Then act.
And in doing so – become resilient.

A resilience born from empathy.
To be more human.
To be more relatable.
More myself.

So here I am.
At the close of 2020.
A big year.
For the whole world.
The kind that changes you.
The kind that gives you a choice.

To be or not to be – kind.
To feel or not to feel – connection.

Here I am – feeling.
Empathetic – towards each one’s [my] journey – of change.
Optimistic – of our [my] ability to be compassionate – through change.
Grateful – for [my] resilience and solidarity – in change.

Here I am – committed.
To learn from the lessons of 2020.
That have prepared me to take on the future.
Whatever it may be.
Choose positivity.
To heal and be whole.
And go into 2021 – stronger, braver, and kinder.

I wish you all a very peaceful, healthy, and hopeful New Year. Let us be our own light guiding the world into a future of well-being.