My Worst Enemy

Myself.

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I think I’m constantly in a state of adjustment – Patti Smith

Yes. It is true.

Before I even begin, let me tell you that this is not going to be a post about self pity or praise, nor one where I pour my heart out about my past to find answers for my present;  if there is one thing I’ve learnt, it’s this – there is no place for excuses.

This last year has been the best year of my life, I mean it. It certainly wasn’t the easiest, but that’s probably why it was the best. For the first time I was betting on myself, well actually I went ALL IN – totally unchartered territory. My number 1 goal, was to become more self aware – embrace that vulnerability that I ran so far away from, face the truth about my own strengths and weaknesses, be honest with myself about who I had told myself I was, and who I really was, and most importantly be brave enough to accept it, live it. Because truth is, I was, I am so much more.

Even though this journey is painful and just starting, I’ve come a long way – to some effect, finding my own self, my most authentic form. No, I’ve not overcome my weaknesses, I’ve just stopped focussing on them.

Then why do I say I’m my own worst enemy?  Because for anyone else to take that place, I’ll actually have to give them that power. And you know what? I’ve decided that my life’s too valuable to give someone else so much power over it. 1 life – that’s all we get.

I’ve recently began reading When Breathe Become Air, by Paul Kalanithi – a memoir of his life battling his illness, and his race against time, which turned into a journey. A must read for reasons more than one. The way I took to it was because I’ve been dealing with a fair bit of uncertainty in my own life, running my own race – to compensate for a time I let go by, for decisions I took then, for things I want to learn, achieve now.

It’s been a pattern in my life, I’ve always had to work really hard to prove myself. Somewhere along, this has taken the shape of self-doubt, my biggest enemy. Just recently, I was a victim to it once more – allowing an external judgment to overrule my own sincere effort. Only this time I realized – I actually don’t have a real reason to complain, about anything. I’m living a healthy life, in one of the best cities in the world, I have a family who loves me beyond measures, I have my own people to be so grateful for, and I have my passion, my drive, who nothing nor no one can take away from me.

So, I have to stop focussing on dumb shit. This very realization, is what I want to share with you all – we spend too much time focussing on the negatives, on our weaknesses, on what others think, giving all of this so much power over your life, ultimately which you have to lead, not just live.

So here I am, doing the thing I enjoy the most – sharing experiences – because I sure as hell know I’m not the only one.

No I won’t let the world choose my destiny, I will construct it.
No I won’t wait for life to hand me what I “deserve”, I will put in the work to achieve it.
No I won’t let titles, job descriptions, opportunities create my work, I will create them for it.
No I won’t let others’ opinions define me, I will build my self awareness for that.
No I won’t let a NO stop me, I will find my own YES.
No I won’t live in my past inhibitions, I will embrace the future with optimism.
No I won’t be my worst enemy, I will be my own best strength, best self.

This thought is so close to me, I was almost caught up in it being translated perfectly. But then I realized, the how is never as important as the why.

I sincerely hope, that even if just one other person stumbles upon this thought, realize – your life is yours to make, there is nothing you can’t do, if you put your heart, sweat, blood, and soul to it. It always just comes down to just this one question – how badly do you really want it?

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