“I don’t want to feel anything.”
How many times do we say this? In conversations fleeting or not, with others or ourselves.
How many times have I said this to myself – one too many.
I don’t want to feel disappointed. I don’t want to feel hurt. I don’t want to feel anything.Goals of dead people.(As stated by psychologist Susan David)
I stopped in my tracks when I heard this. It just made so much sense. It was just so obvious. How can one humanly not feel anything, when humanity is a feeling itself?
I’ve been hiding from my feelings for the past couple of weeks. There has been a sense of uncertainty, confusion, restlessness clouding my thoughts. And my initial reaction was to avoid any acknowledgment of this state of mind. But that’s the thing about this journey of self-awareness – once you start it there’s no real going back.
I knew something wasn’t right, isn’t right. And in many moments I wish I didn’t feel it, any of it, or anything at all. Until today.
It wasn’t the fear of feelings, but fear itself that made me feel that way. Isn’t fear a feeling?
So many stories are born out of this one feeling – fear.
And then I thought to myself – shouldn’t I be grateful instead?
Grateful for a feeling so strong it invokes a sense of fear, fear of losing it, this dream.
For dreams often come with two companions – fear and courage. But what we must remember is that courage is simply fear walking, one foot in front of the other towards your goal.
And your goals should scare you a little, but excite you a lot more!
So I am choosing that excitement, turning that fear into a drive, deciding to be courageous, and walking towards my goals – those that I want to achieve in my life as I live it.