It’s not enough

One of the many side effects of living away from “home”, of opening your world, or better yet your mind – it’s just not enough, nothing.

Where do I belong? A question that haunts me in broad daylight, one I know is not unique to me, yet is my very own.

You are not born for any one corner of the world.

You move out of your country, you put yourself out there, far far away from your comfort zone. And then one day you realize, you have a new one.

You think you know yourself, from the better part of your life, your people, your story. And then one day, in the strangest and simplest of ways, you see you’re on a new page altogether.

This is still my book, but it's not just a new chapter. 

When I moved to New York I didn’t have a plan, only a conviction. I was seeking something – to me it was my dream of New York being home. Somewhere along I ended up uncovering my truths, now realizing that was not even the beginning of it all.

I've never felt more like myself. New York is home. And that is not enough. 

What I didn’t realize then, and I do now, is I wasn’t just chasing a dream, I was seeking something bigger – my identity. New York was so quick to open my mind, it felt almost as though it was waiting for me.

The energy, the opportunities, the highs, the lows, the space (and lack of it), the hunger, the hustle, and the stories. 
All still true, and not enough.

New York will remain special for this very reason – it has opened up my world, my mind. It was supposed to be my destination, but it has ended up becoming so much more in my journey.

And do I really want to know my destination? Would that be enough?

I have no answers, only more questions. I don’t know what I want, I don’t have a plan. I’m neither here nor there. Nothing makes sense, or maybe that’s how it does. All I have is a feeling, and that’s all I know. And maybe that’s enough, for now.

Maybe that's the answer – for now.

Because I thought I knew myself, my people, my story. But that was then and this is now. Because that one day, in place that for no apparent reason feels like home, I felt myself turn a page.

And it makes sense, for now.

My story was unfolding every step of the way, while I lived on thinking I knew it all – knew what was enough – my destination, how to get there, the people in my life, even myself – and then in that moment I realized it had changed, my story, and what I thought (I knew), is not true any more.

(Because that was then and this is now.)

Because isn’t it possible to belong to someone so completely in a moment where nothing else matters and that is your reality, knowing that in the next moment reality could be different, will be different, but equally true.

I once chose New York over someone I belonged to. Because I thought I belonged to New York, because I thought it was enough.

Today I realize, who you belong to has nothing to do with where you are and everything to do with who you are.

"That was me then, and this is me now."

You have to be enough, feel enough. That when you do, those feelings will transcend all boundaries, even of the mind. That sometimes time and space will just not be enough (to keep you away). That there will be a time when you yourself will not be enough, not in mind, but in feelings. Because you have more (to give).

You won’t need people to complete you. But you will choose them to share your journey with. Different people will play different roles in your life, some more emphatic than others. They may not all get you, definitely not always, but they will be there. And there will be some who will really touch your life, stir your soul, and you will realize what you have is just not enough.

You want more, there is more, it is true. 

It may not all feel real, it may not all make sense, but in that moment it is true, for you. And it is enough.

Knowing me isn't enough, I need you to feel me /
Knowing my past isn't enough, I need you here with me /
My words today are not enough, but I need them to reveal me /
Because what I feel is enough, and I need you to believe me //

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