What’s real?

It’s so easy to think of what’s just happened as unreal.

Last morning I was in Paris, later on New York.

It’s times like this when my life can feel pretty unreal to me.

Was this something I had imagined? Or did I expect it? Or was it such a wild dream that still feels unreal?

Sometimes I feel I’ve spent the better part of my life in the idea of things. I live in my head, lead with my heart.

I’ve spent the last 10 days in the company of those who know my reality the most in a place that gives me a familiar feeling that is real (to me).

That was a reality then which now feels unreal.
And now I’ve come back to real life with some unreal realizations.

There’s so much I’ve come to learn, not all I can process right now. There is so much that I have felt, not all I can justify right now. There is so much I want to say, I just don’t have the courage right now.

I’m using words to mask my feelings, I can feel the inauthenticity in doing so. But I need to write, write something. It’s the only thing that feels real.

I ended last year questioning who I was and began this one trying to find out what that means in the big picture. I was looking for answers in my people, in my places, and in everything that I was doing. But in reality, I will only find it within myself.

These next few months are going to be tough, and I will have to go through them alone, not knowing, but to know. I will have to face my realities, decide what’s real enough to live for. I will have to look deep inside and ask myself the tough questions, also hold myself accountable to the answers I find. I can no longer simply live through the ideas in my mind, I have to provoke the why behind each one.

The reality in my mind needs to manifest into my life.

How would I know – what’s real?

I need to be more vulnerable – in my mind, in my words, in my life.

This post is a page out of my personal diary, edited as a promise (to myself and to those who come across it) to share more of what's real for me over the course of the coming months. I promise to be brave enough to be real enough.

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